Humour

US Air Force Testing “Vegan Napalm”

Satirical Blog Examines Plant-Based Napalm

The ethics of veganism can give rise to some great satire. Yesterday Duffelblog, the American news military satire site had me in stitches. I had to read the piece slowly just to make sure that I wasn’t been pranked.

Reporting from the Edwards Airforce Base in California the blog reported that Air Force officials are testing an improved, vegan version of weapon napalm. “The new weapon is expected to be able to burn the enemies of the United States to death while assuaging serious moral and environmental concerns”.

It was left to Louie Fleischer,” a supervisory technical support specialist with the 96th Test Wing to clarify things further”.

“Napalm is just a mix of a gelling agent and a volatile petrochemical” he explained adding that “historically, we’ve used animal-based gels. But now that the Department of Defense systemically rejects the commodity status of animals, we are testing plant-based alternatives. They’re working out pretty well.”

According to the article, the U.S. use of napalm has been limited since the UN Convention on Certain Chemical Weapons was signed by the Obama administration. The blog now predicts that the Air Force’s new version will be used more often in the future. “Obama’s real concern about napalm was how it oppressed animals who had never voluntarily enlisted,” said Ben Rhodes, Obama’s former foreign policy advisor. “I think the country will have fewer qualms about napalm now that it’s plant-based.”

The new napalm has apparently been tested and shown to be “highly lethal”.

Napalm burns a little less bright “because there’s no animal fat”

“We burned a mock Iranian village to the ground the other night during a test and I gotta say, it was pretty sweet,” said Louie Fleischer. “It was just like firebombing Tokyo. Burns a little less bright cause there’s no animal fat, but the body count’s the same.”

The Air Force’s move has been “praised by Animal Rights Groups”.

“Just as the Army once got rid of the cavalry and set America’s equine veterans free to roam Fiddler’s Green, the Air Force is finally getting serious about ending the oppression of animals,” said Michaela Hendricks, a veteran of Strategic Air Command and director of communications for the Vegan Lethality Coalition, a nonprofit group.

“We just hope that they continue to push forward on these issues and continue to develop vegan weapons systems.”

Brilliant.

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Nicholas Orosz

Nicholas is a former City solicitor and Cambridge graduate. He has a long-standing interest in health & nutrition, the environmental movement, green politics & digital publishing. He has always loved crafting words. His transition to a vegan perspective has been gradual and an ongoing process of self-discovery. Contact: nicholas@vegansbethechange.com
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